SARASOTA, FL—The nation teetering on the edge of chaos far greater than he had yet comprehended, President Joe Biden reportedly continued reading a passage from The Pet Goat to schoolchildren Thursday after being informed of the GameStop situation. According to observers, White House chief of staff Ron Klain entered the Booker Elementary School classroom Biden was visiting and approached the president at precisely 9:06 a.m., leaning down to whisper the news of the attack on Wall Street into his right ear as the group of second-grade students looked on. Upon receiving the information, Biden reportedly paused for a moment and stared into space before returning to sharing the story, while at the same time across the country, Secret Service agents had whisked Vice President Kamala Harris away into an underground bunker deep below the White House. Sources at the scene of the atrocity in New York City confirmed that though Wall Street was in ruins, a large steel beam twisted into the shape of a dollar sign had been discovered, which surviving investors had fashioned into a makeshift shrine. At press time, President Biden was delivering a somber speech to the nation from the Oval Office, vowing to draw no distinction between shitposters and the subreddits that harbor them.
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