GameStop Refuses to Close Doors Unless Local Authorities Sign Up for PowerUp Rewards

GRAPEVINE, Texas — GameStop has told all of its employees that they should not close stores during the COVID-19 pandemic unless local authorities tasked with shutting down the store agree to sign up for the GameStop PowerUp Rewards Program.

“I don’t care if the National Guard surrounds your local GameStop, weapons drawn. Video games are a medicine and GameStop employees are essential retail employees,” said GameStop CEO George Sherman according to sources within the GameStop headquarters. “Unless each and every member of the militia tasked with bringing down our store signs up for a PowerUp Rewards card, do. Not. Shut. Down.”

“Gamers need Doom: Eternal and Animal Crossing: New Horizons at all costs,” Sherman continued. “And yes, they can download it onto their consoles, but what if they don’t want to? Huh? That’s what I thought.”

Employees are being urged to tell any government workers that signing up for GameStop’s loyalty program comes with many perks, including an immediate shutdown of a store of their choosing and a $5 coupon every month.

“I tried to shut down a location today and it was a real struggle,” police officer Frank Henderson explained. “This poor cashier just kept begging me to pre-order Gears Tactics so he could go home. Like, come on, I’m not desperate!”

As of press time, the company has even gone as far as to rebrand copies of Game Informer magazine as gamer toilet paper.

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